do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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