I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
