4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
