and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
