just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
