I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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