Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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