Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
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