Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize