I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
