How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize