put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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