There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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