Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
