So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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