wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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