he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You dont lie about slip and slides
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
