First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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