from now on my penis is your penis
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
