Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Still dying that you shit outside
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Randomize
