Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
