I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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