Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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