my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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