i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
only if we run a train.
done.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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