i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
