Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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