I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
