Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
