none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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