either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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