Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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