you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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