we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
