PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
