I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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