I think I died a long time ago.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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