Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
