God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
