Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
