Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
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