She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
