I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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