I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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