Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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