I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
