Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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