i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
