So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize