I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
