my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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