i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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