I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
