I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize