I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize