I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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