god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize