I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I deserve this hangover.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
