Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
