His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
